That Demmed Idiot (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} ahsu) wrote,@ 2006-09-27 21:52:00 |
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Gonna sit right down and write myself a letter
I'm thinking that tonight's session wasn't very productive. I sat down and my traitorous intestines immediately said, "Bubble." Then they said, "Bubble." After that they said, "Bubble-bubble-bubble." You may see a pattern forming here.
It is very hard to concentrate on therapy when you are concentrating on not letting out an absolutely huge, mind-blowing fart.
On the other hand, my therapist said something he's said before, and I'm starting to sit up and take notice. I'm a bright person. Bright as in intelligent.
Between my father and my teachers, I learned growing up that it was terribly important to be smart. What I didn't learn, because the people around me were so careful not to do it, was to give myself credit for being smart. I didn't get scolded for my grades, ever. (The only thing that was ever done about a poor grade, in first-year German, was that my mother sat down with me and taught me how to study -- intelligent woman. Thanks, Mom.) But I also never, never, *ever* got told that I had done a good job.
This left me completely puzzled. I knew it was important to be smart, and I knew that, compared to my classmates, I functioned on a really high level. But I never got confirmation from anybody that I was performing according to expectations. So I was uncertain about my own judgement that I was bright, and as a result I had a low level of confidence in myself. Being smart was the most important thing, but I didn't know for *sure* that I was. It was distressing. (It would also have been nice if folks had emphasized some other things as being important, because for all my lack of confidence in the area, I have some very ingrained, snotty notions about people who are and aren't smart. I'm working on it.)
Even at the time I knew that part of the issue was that no one wanted to give me a big head about being smart. But the result was that I often put myself down as "not that smart." Test grades got dismissed as, "I have a good memory." Standardized test scores -- and to be honest, mine were always extremely high, although the rumor about my SAT score was untrue *grin* -- I dismissed as, "I'm good at taking standardized tests." While that's true -- I approach standardized tests the way most people approach double-chocolate brownies -- it ignores the fact that you still have to have some smarts to score that well.
Nowadays, it's really easy to forget that intelligence is something I have on my side. After all, what do I do with myself? It's too easy to dismiss parenting, even though I curse every time I catch myself at it. Homeschooling the children is so easy for me that I forget it's not that easy for everyone. And what else am I doing? Because I was never taught to value what I am and what I have, I find excuses to dismiss everything. I have a BA -- so what? I don't have a master's, much less a doctorate. And blahblahblah and so forth and so on.
Sometimes I catch myself thinking, Someday I will do something spectacular and then everyone will know how smart I am. But the person who really needs to know is me, and I'm having trouble listening.
Part of the result is that I'm often reluctant to try things because, "I'm probably not smart enough to do that." Even in the face of very convincing evidence to the contrary. Contrariwise, I am reluctant to exert myself because I learned very late that it's okay to try and fail at things that you don't immediately and instinctively succeed at. (Let's discuss humiliation in gym class ...) If I don't get it right away, why would I bother? Or more importantly, if I don't get it right away, it must be one of those areas where I'm really stupid, right? And if I'm stupid, I'm not going to learn it anyway. A lot of my hassles with science can be traced right back to that attitude. (And to some very poor teaching in that area.)
I try to give the bandar log credit for the things they do well, without making them feel as though doing well is the highest and only criteria. I agree with my parents and teachers that it's just as well not to have a swelled head, but I want them to give themselves proper credit for their hard work and talents.
Now if only I could give myself some of that kind of credit.
Oh, and just as practice -- don't read this, please, and I'm having a hell of a time writing it -- I'm plenty intelligent enough to succeed in just about any field.
I'm thinking that tonight's session wasn't very productive. I sat down and my traitorous intestines immediately said, "Bubble." Then they said, "Bubble." After that they said, "Bubble-bubble-bubble." You may see a pattern forming here.
It is very hard to concentrate on therapy when you are concentrating on not letting out an absolutely huge, mind-blowing fart.
On the other hand, my therapist said something he's said before, and I'm starting to sit up and take notice. I'm a bright person. Bright as in intelligent.
Between my father and my teachers, I learned growing up that it was terribly important to be smart. What I didn't learn, because the people around me were so careful not to do it, was to give myself credit for being smart. I didn't get scolded for my grades, ever. (The only thing that was ever done about a poor grade, in first-year German, was that my mother sat down with me and taught me how to study -- intelligent woman. Thanks, Mom.) But I also never, never, *ever* got told that I had done a good job.
This left me completely puzzled. I knew it was important to be smart, and I knew that, compared to my classmates, I functioned on a really high level. But I never got confirmation from anybody that I was performing according to expectations. So I was uncertain about my own judgement that I was bright, and as a result I had a low level of confidence in myself. Being smart was the most important thing, but I didn't know for *sure* that I was. It was distressing. (It would also have been nice if folks had emphasized some other things as being important, because for all my lack of confidence in the area, I have some very ingrained, snotty notions about people who are and aren't smart. I'm working on it.)
Even at the time I knew that part of the issue was that no one wanted to give me a big head about being smart. But the result was that I often put myself down as "not that smart." Test grades got dismissed as, "I have a good memory." Standardized test scores -- and to be honest, mine were always extremely high, although the rumor about my SAT score was untrue *grin* -- I dismissed as, "I'm good at taking standardized tests." While that's true -- I approach standardized tests the way most people approach double-chocolate brownies -- it ignores the fact that you still have to have some smarts to score that well.
Nowadays, it's really easy to forget that intelligence is something I have on my side. After all, what do I do with myself? It's too easy to dismiss parenting, even though I curse every time I catch myself at it. Homeschooling the children is so easy for me that I forget it's not that easy for everyone. And what else am I doing? Because I was never taught to value what I am and what I have, I find excuses to dismiss everything. I have a BA -- so what? I don't have a master's, much less a doctorate. And blahblahblah and so forth and so on.
Sometimes I catch myself thinking, Someday I will do something spectacular and then everyone will know how smart I am. But the person who really needs to know is me, and I'm having trouble listening.
Part of the result is that I'm often reluctant to try things because, "I'm probably not smart enough to do that." Even in the face of very convincing evidence to the contrary. Contrariwise, I am reluctant to exert myself because I learned very late that it's okay to try and fail at things that you don't immediately and instinctively succeed at. (Let's discuss humiliation in gym class ...) If I don't get it right away, why would I bother? Or more importantly, if I don't get it right away, it must be one of those areas where I'm really stupid, right? And if I'm stupid, I'm not going to learn it anyway. A lot of my hassles with science can be traced right back to that attitude. (And to some very poor teaching in that area.)
I try to give the bandar log credit for the things they do well, without making them feel as though doing well is the highest and only criteria. I agree with my parents and teachers that it's just as well not to have a swelled head, but I want them to give themselves proper credit for their hard work and talents.
Now if only I could give myself some of that kind of credit.
Oh, and just as practice -- don't read this, please, and I'm having a hell of a time writing it -- I'm plenty intelligent enough to succeed in just about any field.
